Narrow Escape
by LilyGhost
Summary: Stephanie and Ranger unfortunately can't look away when an arrest takes place right in front of them.


**I wrote this last year as a joke for someone, but I'm posting it now due to my own frustration with how Lula treats Stephanie. Everyone familiar belongs to Janet. The mistakes are mine alone.**

" _Riiiippp_ ," said the overtaxed spandex, as pound after pound of boob and butt broke free from their poison green prison.

"What the ...?" Lula said, clearly not expecting her clothes to finally cry 'Uncle!'

"Uh ... excuse me, Ma'am ..."

" _Ma'am?_ Don't go and be _Ma'am-ing_ me. I ain't no _Ma'am_. I'm younger than your little scrawny officer behind. Name's Lula ... not that you need to know it."

"Of course ... sorry, but ..."

"You talking 'bout my butt? There may be a little more of it than some folks got, but it's _quality_ butt. Men used to pay a lot of money to get a look at this here backside."

This was all being said as Lula was trying to re-tuck her parts and hold together what was left of her too-small clothing. It's clear that she's quickly losing the battle to cover all the acreage currently on display for all of Hamilton Avenue to see.

"I'm sure that's true and all, but you can't be exposing yourself on a public street during lunch hour. I'm going to have to ask you to come with me."

"I ain't exposin' _nothin'_. It ain't my fault they don't make clothes like they used to. 'Course, I wouldn't be feeling the sun on my lady parts right now if my baby didn't go and lock the door on me."

The cop looked around. " _Your baby?_ Is that your boyfriend? Did you two have a fight and he locked you out? Where is he? Maybe he's calmed down and is ready to take you home."

You could hear the plea in his voice, just hoping for that to be true.

" _Hell, no!_ A man locks a door on me and he'd be pissin' out his teeth right after I blast my way through the door to get at him. I'm talking 'bout my _Firebird_. I treated that 'ol girl to an upgrade, and she must not have appreciated it like I thought. She used her new remote locks against me."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but you can't stay out here like this. And you can't drive around town half-naked, either ..."

A colossal boob fell out from behind her restraining arm and almost took out the officer.

"I'm afraid," he continued, looking completely horrified, "I'll have to arrest you if you don't cover yourself up willingly."

"What the heck do you think I've been tryin' to do here? I ain't just been copping a feel of myself for the last five minutes. And you can't arrest me. Due to my former profession and a few traffic 'misunderstandings', I may have a warrant or two with my name somewhere on them."

The poor cop looked queasy at the sight of all Lula's _voluptuousness_... as well as at her admission of guilt. He has no choice but to haul her in now.

"Do you understand that you just told an officer of the law that you're a fugitive?" He asked her. "I _am_ going to have to cuff you now."

"Nah-uh. I ain't into that S, M, and B, stuff. The only time cuffs come out is if _I'm_ the one holdin' the key to 'em."

She tried to make a run for it, but the heel of her platform Via Spigas got caught in the leg of her neon jumpsuit and she went down hard. Officer Sucks-To-Be-Him got a way too intimate glimpse of her booty and the hot pink thong lodged in it.

It took him three tries, but he finally managed to get her back on her feet. Considering Lula had given up trying to hold her shit together, her standing upright no doubt traumatized every Burger who happened to have a doughnut craving at 12:05 this particular Wednesday afternoon.

"I'm _soooo_ glad I work for - and only with - _you_ now," I said to the man in black standing silently beside me, "or I might've been sucked into that. Should we follow behind and bail her out?"

"Babe."

"It's the right thing to do, isn't it?"

"Depends who the bail recipient is. How many times has she _bailed_ on you and left you to fend for yourself in a potentially deadly situation?"

"A few."

"Does that sound like someone I would willingly give up an hour of my time with you for?" He asked.

"Not really."

"So we can go home like we planned?"

"I guess. Should I at least call Connie?"

"I've never stopped you from doing anything you've wanted to do."

"Thanks ... that helps a lot."

He circled my neck with an arm and pulled me close enough so he could kiss the top of my head.

"How about you wait until we're back at the Rangeman building, and if I can't distract you enough to get your mind off rescuing someone who has left you stranded ninety-percent of the time you were partners, you can place the call?"

"You think I can't resist you?" I asked him.

"You never can. And you won't this time either."

"I'm ready to test that theory whenever you are ..." I started to say, but was cut off suddenly by his mouth slanting over mine.

The cheat is trying to tip the odds in his favor early. Good thing my mouth is too busy to complain. I'll let him win and then _maybe_ I'll feel guilty about this later.


End file.
